Help Yourself

To have the life I’ve always imagined for you.

Five Tips to Motivate Your Butt All the Way to the Gym

We’re more than a month into 2014 and it’s time to check in those New Years resolutions. So, how are you doing? Terribly? But you’re trying to lose the weight, you feel healthi-no? Yeah, I thought so, ya Lazy Leonard. Worry no more, for I (you can call me your savior) have compiled a list of THE most effective motivation techniques to help you achieve that impossible standard of western beauty! *wink*

1) Scope out hotties! Pretend to fall in love with one. Lull him into a false sense of trust and security. Learn his secrets and bank account information. Abandon him and break his heart. That could be fun.

2) Add another obligatory task to your to-do list that you want to do less than go to the gym! File those 2003 tax forms. Dispose of that rotting “situation” that you stabbed and forgot about in the trunk of your car. Yuck! In this weather? No thanks, I’d rather work out.

3) Delude yourself into believing that exercising is fun! It’s not glorified bodily torture. Look, you can watch tv while you run!

4) Develop a fetish for naked elderly strangers! Every trip to the locker room will be a new thrill.

5) Give up! Buy a piece of cheesecake. Make that two. Come here. Bring me the other slice. Let’s sit under his oak tree together. There we go. Psst… Hey, you know I love you, right? Do whatever makes you happy, champ, alright? Oh and give me the rest of that cheesecake.

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